'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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