Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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