Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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