were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
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