i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
