I can text with my tongue
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
