No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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