I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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