I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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