final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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