She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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