It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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