yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
