Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
