i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
