Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I had to cum in my sink.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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