so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
