toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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