I'd wear matching sweaters with you
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
