all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
