I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
You can't special order awesome
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
