I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Randomize
