I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Randomize
