I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
