I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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