discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
