My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
