Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
