I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize