I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
