Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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