I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
