Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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