I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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