I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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