my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Alive.
So much puke
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
