apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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