6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Randomize
