At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize
