Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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