got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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