He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
