i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
