12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
There are leaves in my underwear?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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