somebody snuck up and got me drunk
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
