i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
