I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Randomize
