she looked like the bat from fern gully.
there's paper in my vomit.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Randomize
