My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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