ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
