I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I got inside last night via doggy door
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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