The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
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