what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
