Me too!
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
