Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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