Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize