I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
