How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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